I looked inwards and searched deep into myself and I discovered the core of my problems. Yes. Mobile telephones & text messaging! Let me spell it all out.in a regressive mobile phone inbox emotional out pour!

Wednesday Morning:

Voicemail:

9.25am Wednesday urg. Its early but Miss, its your bailiff.we have clamped your car because of some outstanding parking fines.so can you just hand over £680 and we will unclamp it and it will save us the trouble of you know..taking it away..

Beep!

9.45am Urg.its your Bailiff again. I appreciate that it's a little upsetting and that you would in fact want your lawyer to ******** and ******** to ******** all the way to the *********** High court where I can roger the ******* honourable Lord and Lady Major of London....The funny thing is, we did investigate the points you've raised and noticed there's different name to the parking fine but it's the same car.so hmm.we have decided to give you an hour extra to pay us..could be some sort " of mistake.but well.just doing my job..we can't keep up with who has broken up with whom in our records and yes, we know you wrote to us about a change of names to the car.but well..that was only
4 months ago and our records sometimes takes 6 months to change a name! Sorry. Hope you are not too miffed!

Beep!

10.35am Urg..right, hmm.yeah.so we've left the 20 pence change in your letter box along with a receipt and this form you can use to appeal but thought we would let you know that it takes 6 months to 1 year to reverse this kind of admin error..well.no, you can't really get interest back from your £680 for this, sorry, love, have a lovely day!

Beep!

10.36am Text: Hi, its me, I am leaving for Australia this week and I cant get a Brazilian wax appointment, any clue? This is an emergency! Give me the name of your V-mega spa !

11.12am Hi, its your landlord, hope you are well. I have decided to sell the apartment or put it on partial mortgage so that I can start a school in Ethiopia. But can you promise not to get upset if I am not your landlord anymore? Look, you will love Ethiopia and the big bank won't be any different to me, I am sure! They seem like very nice people!

They will still you know.pay for your home content insurance and let you decorate everything the way you like and buy you a new magnetic knife holder and Ikea kitchen sink with matching chrome Venetian blinds whenever you want! By the way, the bright red and chrome tiles you did in the kitchen is lovely and I want to take some photos of it to show my family in Ethiopia and my friends at Primrose hill before I show the bank the property, is that alright? We can write that into a contract before I sell the place that you can still decorate anyway you like?

Beep!

11.22am Hi, its your local council environmental protection officer. I
apologise for suggesting that you complained about the all-night disco music noise from your neighbour upstairs because of the private issue of furniture taste! I did hear from your friend from the news paper and your other ex-charming friend from the Government office and your equally vocal witnesses from the flat above and your other neighbour Jason and his life partner and your hairdresser and your friend from Australia and the guy with the dog that walks past your window every other day and the owner of Café Montmartre who has complained on your behalf in French! .and yes, they all said something about the techno-latin-fusion music thumping through your ceiling.and alright. We will either serve a legal warning for eviction or get her to buy some
carpets, is that alright?

Beep!

11.25am Text: Ca va, darling, Kissy! It is your decorator. I simply cannot work with those chrome handles.the screws are mismatched and are not the same shade of chrome as the handles...so it reflects the wrong shade against the "scarlet madness" tiles...no, I know no one will know BUT I WILL KNOW and I cannot live with that! Please buy 8 matching shades of chrome screws before you ruin my masterpiece in your kitchen! BTW, you MUST stick with "Red Autumn Rinse" or " Magenta Explosion" on your door, or I walk! Kissy! I finish! (Blah!)

Text: Hi Princess.I cant get through your phone line.look I know u are upset about the parking fines..I can explain.well, no I cant..yes, I know ..u want me to repeat x infinity: "We are soooo OVER.OVER does not describe how Over we are!" Thanx.

Text: Hi its Mel, I heard all about the parking fine and hmm..I just want to say that you have every right to kill! I will support you and no jury will convict! Was out getting my legs waxed! Text: Hi, its Lauren. Me and Ben are sooo through..you were so right.the only real man who does not want a nympho for a girlfriend is a man who doesn't work with a loaded pistol in his brain!

12.06pm Hi, is Shaz. I heard all about your crisis but right now.well. we have this marketing survey! Its impossible. The client have asked us to find "hip people" to help them determine the "hipness" of their new website before it launches and they are willing to pay £50/hr for "hip" .look.I am dying here..calling London looking for Gen X to do Hip! Except damn Gen X keeps going: "NO, you cant buy hip. " But then changes their mind as soon as I tell them there will be free Lattes and cucumber sandwiches! Which is a total lie and it is all ***** going to hit
the fan tomorrow when they realised they are not getting their Lattes! But I have managed to fill 4 spots and I need to fill another 2, please, would you just do this survey for me? They need "edgy" "artistic" and there's also a " info-tech addict" criteria! You fit all of that.please.. .do this and Louise said she will call you personally to grovel!

Beep Beep!

1.13pm Hi, its Gaff, from ***** corporation. Thanks for agreeing to do our "trend-setting" survey, sooooo we were thinking, can you show up at 2pm today and it will all be very informal.well, a little bit of TV taping and audio.but don't worry, its all going to be quite cosy and you can say anything you like freely.. And soooo, you are a writer, what do you write? In fact, I was a bit of an artistic person myself in my days but then I went to ***** corp..and welll we at ****** corp. we are really into hearing what those who are urmmm.. "down with all that"...feels about **** corp...and our site has been done in the best possible taste.VERY CLASSY. You will be "lovin' it".har..har. yes well.and....we even have skateboarders!

Beep!

2.07pm My Text : Shaz, NO latte, lots of polyester cardigans!
Must break out! Am in a Clockwork orange scenario! SOS!

2.08pm Text : Just keep saying. "cool" and "avant garde" ! and Yo
Yo!....as in Ma! Or "Yo!" as in Sushi! Okay! I owe you. Shaz. X

2.15pm My Text: Shaz. You are a PR piranha.

2.16pm Text: Like u didn't do the same to me! when u r PR mojo was happening? Shaz.

2.17pm My Text: Bust, darling, I realised I have missed you terribly... well, have thought about you so much in the last 2 hrs, please sweety, call me RIGHT NOW and I will be your devoted fan for life! Promise!

2.25pm Text: Am in Jerusalem filming dead bodies. Can't call..why
now? Thought u said u would rather snog a Saudi camel than me ever again! Bust

2.26pm My Text: Busty, don't ask! Life is short! Just call me! its an
emergency!

2.27pm Text: Ah. doing a "Shaz" survey? Army boys wont lend me
their satellite phone! Serves u right!

2.28pm My Text: Bust..u r the dung of a camel! Rot!

2.29pm Text: Did I tell u about the Palestinian ex-SAS body guard I got?

4.05pm Voicemail: Hi its Valeria, so Bonfire night, we need lots of
fireworks and explosives okay! Don't forget ! We are trying to out do the farm next door!! Yar! Yar! Sooo not fair..she poured petrol on her fire last year! Cheat!

Beep!

5.05pm Voicemail: Hi, it Mel and I finally got the Brazilian. All is well.
Now will speak to employment lawyer to ***** my unequal opportunity boss back to kingdom come! Hurray! Contract time!

Beep!

5.15pm voicemail: Hi, its your fashion design tutor.where were you today? Look.I need you to bring over 60 drawings that you were suppose to do on that "meat and veins" collection to the next class! I am sure you have just spent all day sketching and designing and that will be no problem at all. Also I think the faux fur right on the crotch region is "rude" but "witty" for club wear but I think you should keep the yellow bows for accents! So get on with it and I think you need more "moods".more "sulk" in your "House of Sulk" . Okay! Have fun! Byee..

Beep!

6.06pm voicemail: Hi, is there a goddess here? I am a friend of a friend and I am coming to London to do some inner King and inner Goddess seminar! This will be more challenging than the times I swimmed with killer whales! Great! Talk to you soon!

Beep!

7.15pm Text: Hi, I know. have not kept in touch..Baby stella has been crying all the time. We are losing the plot. I need to sleep. Will talk soon. Bet you are doing some sort of calm Zen thing? Jorgen.

7.24pm Voicemail: Hi, its atrick, I've just come out of silent retreat to
talk to you! What is this about getting locked in somewhere macabre with lots of parking fines? Are you alright? Is studying bothering you? Right, Gong just rang, I have to be sil..............(Gong)

Beep!

10,000 emails later!

2.15-2.59 am Voicemail : (2 minutes of static sound and rustling,
} sounds of a drooling fascist American born-again New age Buddhist fruitcake copyrighting lawyer, my evil arch-enemy with very bad dress sense.starts speaking... dripping in saccharine to someone else)

Pouncy Lawrence (PL): Oh, thank you soo much, M***..thank you
sooooo much..its soooo good of you to do my laundry
.oh thank you sooo much...

Mumble, mumble..giggle giggle: Oh that's all right, You translate soooo hard alllll day long and you know anything for the Dharrrrrr ma and the Guuru...you know.we are all in this together..

PL: .Its all appearance-emptiness and its all just sooooo good to see that there is still a place where men are men and women behave like women.Thank you sooooo much.(giggle..giggle). Yes, I do like my shirts starched & ironed and folded into neat little piles sorted by colours!.....oh.and you sorted all my ivy league T-shirts into alphabetic orders too..what a woman!

Splat! Sounds of PL's plastic pants shifting against some kinds of fabric that sounded awfully like Polyester! (eek!)

Blah..blah.TV sound.. World news..! PL (in fake hynoptic simpering "let-me-pick-U-up-baby" voice): Oh, this world is just soooooo deluded. And people are just soooo in need of deep, deep, meaningful philosophy..my heart just goes out to the whole planet!..Oooohhh!

**Gagging sound

PL: Har! Har! Har! Yes, its all just sooooo beautiful. Inner beauty just
takes such a long time doesn't it..Yes, indeed.yes. the copyright went quite well with the last book I translated.well, no, of course. I didn't write it.its 11th century Tibetan!.....well.no, I didn't think the new thoughts about it! .No, and I copied other people's translation.but look, the point is I own the copyright! Like that! Copyright is key!

( x another 38 min 42 sec of Ad naseum, sacharrine insincere diatribe about PL's version of religion and the republican universe!)

Beep!

3.02am-3.18am Monday: translantic London to Vancouver to Pouncy Lawrence's voicemail:

Evil Lawrence how dare you clog up my entire phone in-box with
40mins of your accidental diatribe and some kind of clicking plastic
sounding noisy pants! Who do you think you are! First you go around putting people's mobile into your speed dial ! Then you have audacity to sit on your mobile phone while you are translating, without NUMBER/KeY locking your phone! Who the hell is M*** and why should I care? You stop clogging up my mobile phone inbox!

TWAT!

Its reserved for important messages about genuine, sincere and
meaningful things, not for your self-aggrandising copyrighted
translation!

You evil Neanderthal creature from the deepest recess of the dark
ages! You should be ashamed that any modern woman would do any kind of shirts for any guy! I don't understand it! What universe do you live in? Who the hell irons T-shirts and puts them into alphabetic orders? You are an alien!

You need to make a worldwide apology to all women on this planet
EARTH for your blantant manipulation of an ancient religion just to "keep women in the laundry room!" instead of doing liberated things..like .. I don't know..consumer market research and other useful PR exercises!

Grow UP!
Beep!

______________________________________________________

And with that Beep! it was all quiet on the Eastern front!... Hurray!
The cycle of Mobile phone horror messages moves out of my house of Sulk and is transferred away. to Pouncy Lawrence the evil sexist translator !

Yea! A small step for womankind, a big step for this Chinese Female Taikonaut! I feel smug.I feel very smug! Yes! I feel like I have launched my own capsule to the "Smug planet"! Yep! Its petty, its childish! Its just what I needed!

Did someone say something about the moon going
through some sort of astrological "vortex of harmony"?

Cecilia Yu currently lives in London and Denize Maaloe lives in Paris.