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SpiralMuse
  SPIRIT

MAKING GOD LAUGH
by Danger Angel


You wanna know how to make God laugh?
You tell her your plans.


"Curtsey" by Jude Mooney

I once used this joke in an exit interview - the bosses who were firing me were more shocked at my joviality than by the joke itself. Or maybe they just didn't get it.

But it's more than just a joke. Planning things - particularly long term life plans - can be futile at best. The universe has a way of upending all goals, hopes, desires and intentions... and the less you hold on to making things happen the way you want them to, the less cranky you will be in the long run. Go with the flow or be a stick in the mud. I have had to change all my plans recently, and it was a kicker to keep my sticky mitts off the steering wheel and let the universe be the guide.

I planned to sell everything, go to India, let go of my identity, rein in my ego, and find a spiritual teacher.

Instead I'm staying here, getting rid of everything, letting go of my identity, reining in my ego and having a teacher. That's right - I'm having a child.

Not at all what I expected when I started this year out... but the love of my life made a reappearance and together we've made a human. At first I was skeptical of the whole concept of conception. Why me? Why now? And especially since the first few months of pregnancy are wrought with nausea and fatigue - I thought I was dying actually - if I hadn't had a test I would have thought I had some fatal disease. I thought seriously of having an abortion (the Christians and Buddhists gasp) as I don't really think it's that terrible of a sin (gasp!)- I would just be delaying a lesson that I should be learning now.

But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the lessons I wanted in going to India were presenting themselves in the form of a child. My big obstacle was the idea that a spiritual life is somehow better than a family life. I know that families are the perfect places to learn spiritual lessons - but I was all prepared to go chant with the Tibetans for years on end - and my mistaken idea that monastic life is somehow superior to secular life came up and demanded to be dismantled. So wiping up baby barf and chanting with Tibetans are equally worthy occupations - all things are Shunyata (emptiness) anyhow, right? With the right view all things and experiences are equally divine... at least that's what the Vajrayana branch of Buddhism has been telling me, now I get to put that into action. A recent issue of the Buddhist magazine Tricycle had an article comparing motherhood with the path of the Bodhisattva (one committed to the enlightenment of all beings). Since I've been working on my Bodhisattva-hood through the path of selfless service - raising money for AIDS and breast cancer, working with the homeless, saving the environment, and protesting on the streets for global justice - I couldn't reconcile the idea of rejecting motherhood in favor of a spiritual life. Motherhood is selfless service. Creating life and then nuturing it couldn't be more spiritual.

Besides, all the "serentypical" (those miraculous things that happen all the fucking time) connections between my lover and I are pointing, vehemently, to the idea that he and I should be a team for life, and this new life writes it in stone. He and I met when I was 15 and he was 16 and I knew within seconds that I would give my virginity to him. It took nearly a year to convince him that this was the right thing to do, as he was terrified of losing my friendship. So instead of being teenage lovers - we were best friends, we introduced each other as brother and sister and agreed to get married at age 30 (it seemed such a long way aways!). If someone had told me as a 17 year old that I would be having his child at age 34 I would have rolled my eyes and said "Well DUH!" But God had other plans for us both. After 2 years of being closer than blood, a jealous girlfriend forced him to give up my friendship and we didn't see each other for 16 years. Ironically, it was the jealous girlfriend (now ex-wife) who, despite still hating me, reunited us. Karma is flawless and cannot be avoided. That's a big reason why I decided to have this baby - it was 18 years in the making! "That's one hell of a gestation period" said my ex-husband when I told him. Karma is inescapable - why fight it?

I got pregnant on the first day of spring. Serentypical. I knew immediately that it would be a boy (confirmed by the geneticist) and it would be some kind of groovy kid. It will have to, being born into this world. One of my main reasons for not wanting to breed - our generation (especially of Americans) are polluting all the air, water and soil and not doing a damn thing about saving anything for future generations (recycling just ain't enough) and I don't see my children being at all happy with their inheritance. However, somebody has to see out the Kali Yuga.

For those who don't know, the Kali Yuga is what Hindus and Buddhists call our current 4,000 (I think) year cycle - "The Age of Anger and Destruction" - it's the end of a much longer cycle of time, the sidereal year which is 26,000 years long (the time it takes for the sun to return to EXACTLY the same place on the earth). During the Kali Yuga humans fall into deep ignorance and greed, wage war, destroy the earth and bring the current cycle of human existence to a close in a blaze of bad vibes. Luckily, there is another Golden Age around the corner and peace will reign, Jesus and the Buddha come back and teach us all how to stop being such assholes. All the reincarnationists are hoping that we come back during the Golden Age. But my son obviously wants to see the end of the Kali Yuga, so he's getting born now. I'm sure it's worth showing up for - should be quite a show.

My partner is going to be a great dad - and I'm going to be a strange, but loving mother. My first impulse on finding out I was pregnant was to dreadlock my hair and dye it purple. I have a severe aversion to any possibility that I might become one of them - a yuppie. But as a friend whose mom was lesbian in the deep south said, "What makes you think that being a parent will make you normal - it didn't change our parents!" My parents were, and still are the greatest - now enhanced by super great step parents (and their ex-spouses) - and I feel a responsibility to pass on the great parenting I received. But they were definitely not normal - my dad was a mime. 'Nuf said. My child is bound to have a bizarre name, and hate me for not letting him eat macdonalds or watch TV. Hopefully he will end up a spiritual revolutionary and really cool. Or he could rebel against all reason and end up a republican. That would make him the anti-Christ, but I think that I could handle being the mom of the devil. However he turns out, I know that he will teach me more than I can imagine. He knows why he wants to be born better than I do - and he chose us as parents so I'm sure he'll have some built-in coping mechanism for being born here and now. I've been pondering this miracle of life, and decided that it's OK to happen in my body. I'm sure it was in God's plan all along.

-Danger Angel


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Musings
 

"If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it."
Margaret Fuller

"It's so clear that you have to cherish everyone. I think that's what I get from these older black women, that every soul is to be cherished, that every flower is to bloom."
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Dalai Lama

"Every blade of grass has its Angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, Grow.'"
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